What does independence feel like to you?
Financial stability? Emotional safety? Solitude?
To me, it means all of those things. But most of all, it means I won’t rest on temporary support.
I’m so sick of standing on sinking sand. I’m so sick of houses caving in. I’m so sick of being held in someone’s arms and finally feeling safe one minute, then scared and alone the next.
After my husband died I told myself to never be financially dependent again. After my ex-fiance left I told myself to never be emotionally dependent again.
My true definition of independence now is “God-dependence,” because I’ve learned that trusting other people to what only God can do (truly provide) will lead to a lot of pain.
Because God will always scoop us up and love us. In a moment He can see our worst and best days. He knows what we’re capable of. We’re so inferior, but He loves us and gives us life and He sends love in so many ways, through other people and the Bible and experiences…
So don’t tell me to trust people. I don’t and God never told me to. I’ve been burned too many times. But I will trust God if He sends me helping hands or people to love. I trust Him to send me work to earn money. I trust Him to not abuse my heart. I trust Him to help me through the lonely seasons that people (including myself) cast me into.
Independence isn’t comfortable. It’s for people who had no choice over and over until they finally accepted and chose it for themselves, willingly.
I will be hurt again because I choose to love and love brings pain. But I will not lose anything next time because God provides all I could need. I am complete in Him.
Extra note from that emotional friend:
I wrote this post 14 months ago and chose not to share it until now. It definitely needed a little bit of adjusting because a lot of pain was still too fresh. Now that I’ve spent another year being independent and practicing what I wrote here I feel confident in sharing it and hope that my prior lack of wisdom and emotional boundaries will encourage you to lean on God and own your level of stability. I had to learn the hard way.
~Rachel
