Let me tell you a little story about me and Smister that I hope will help or encourage you if you’re searching and, more importantly, trusting God with this area of your life. This will be slightly longer than usual, so just scroll to the end if you just want the list. 🙂
When I was 14 I started dating a guy I had known for a couple years. I took the relationship pretty seriously and wanted to learn and have fun and see if this person could be my lifelong companion. I had previously decided that I would never date a person unless they were a Christian and only if I had known them for a while. 8 months later, I broke my first relationship off. I had discovered that he was either not truly a Christian or was and had fallen away and was not leading me in the right direction, as nice of a guy as he was. As for me, I was getting torn apart emotionally and was way too needy. Even though I had broken up with him, I became depressed at 15 for about a year and had a broken heart for 2 full years. I decided I would never make such a mistake again.
(Granted, we all repeat mistakes sometimes, because we don’t know everything, and that resolution gave me control and trust issues for a while because I was so afraid of being hurt again. So, make goals, but don’t kill yourself over them, haha.)
By the third year of being on my own again, I had not ended up getting into a rebound relationship (though it nearly happened once) and I felt I had found myself again. I had started healing once I realized that God had a better plan for me. I had started a Pinterest board of qualities I was looking for, to find a godly man, not just a “Christian” one. I was getting prepared. I wasn’t going to go in blind, I was researching purposes for dating and thinking of the future as best I could (while still being in highschool and really not having a clue). I met Smister while at a new friend’s quinceanera, but didn’t have the opportunity to speak to him and get to know him until a year later. I had become friends with his family first and had been curious about him, but he was so introvertedly elusive that it wasn’t until I had his siblings visit with my family a couple times that he decided he wouldn’t mind getting to know us too.
The summer I really got to know him, I really got to know him. I started a list of pros and cons about him (I had learned to do this since my breakup and it had saved me much heartbreak, because it kept my heart from overpowering my head). I ended up with 27 of both good and bad. I was very torn. I prayed a ton. I learned about how he treated others by asking his family (I was just curious about him as a friend, of course) and church family. I learned that he always helped out when he saw someone needed a hand, without being asked. I learned that he really cared about his mom and almost always apologized when he was in the wrong. I learned that he had a pretty good sense of humor, even though I thought he was very serious. I learned that he wasn’t shy, even though he was quiet!
I learned to not judge a book by its cover, or fantasize about it being about what I wanted. I learned to discover what was there.
6 months after spending time together, he finally decided to ask me out. After we got something to eat, he told me he liked me. I was beyond ready with my response – I had decided that it wouldn’t work, yet. I asked him why he liked me, he told me THREE reasons. Haha!! I had 27 of him but didn’t tell him… Anyway, he said that we had things in common, I loved God, and I was pretty (he specified that the last one was just a nice bonus… hahaha). I told him very matter-of-factly that I appreciated it and reciprocated his sentiments, but it wouldn’t work because I had determined three things: I struggled too much with anger and he wouldn’t be able to handle it in the long run, we were both too proud, and I thought he was slightly legalistic or too conservative for me because he wasn’t comfortable with old fashioned squaredancing (even though I was more conservative on everything else!) and it was my favorite hobby at the time.
I had been waiting for months and then told him THAT. But, I wasn’t desperate. I loved him, but I had learned that relationships were complex and I preferred to be honest with him upfront rather than waste time like I felt I had previously.
He didn’t give up though. We talked about my concerns and two months later he even came to a squaredance for my birthday. We were official two days later. There were many months of me going to college and wondering if God wanted me to leave him and become a missionary and him breaking us up so I could do that and many tears and questions, but those stories will be saved for another day. I want to give you a list from the story I told you so you can start making goals and preparing yourself. God’s timing is best, so our responsibility is not to rush it, but to prepare for it. Here is what I learned:
- Find out how they treat their opposite-sex parent
It really is how they will treat you (if not immediately, then at least 5 years down the road). I already see it with Smister and I, and we’re only months into our marriage! - Look for common interests
Sometimes this means finding new things together, or being willing to try out what the other person likes. - Find out how they act when you’re not around
That is how they will be if you get married to them. Sometimes, even the most honest of us, put up a better version of ourselves when we’re trying to impress someone. It’s not that it’s a lie, but it’s not sustainable, it’s not who we are constantly. In marriage you get everything- the good and the bad. - Check for sexual morality
Have safeguards in place. I spoke to my parents before Smister asked me out because I realized that I didn’t have a good guidelines set up. My parents were very careful because they knew that just giving rules can make people legalistic (only sticking to the letter rather than the intention of the law), so they helped me come up with standards that would be hard to make loopholes around. If the person you’re interested in doesn’t respect your standards (my first boyfriend didn’t and that was also a very large reason why I had to break up with him and why I suffered so long emotionally afterwards), that is a huge red flag. Keep your standards simple and more about intentions. My parents said that hand holding was fine, really long hugs should be avoided, side hugs were fine, and not to be alone in a room or house together. Other than that I could determine based on the situation what was best. Your standards might look different, that’s okay. You know where you struggle. Just don’t underestimate temptation. As Rand Hummel from the Wilds says, “Make it hard to sin and easy to do right.” I will speak more on this topic later, because I really do understand how difficult it is. This is a topic we Christians get embarrassed to talk about, or dismiss quickly, but I am going to talk more about it in future posts. - Find out if you’re moving in the same direction
You have to know what your own direction is first! Is there a profession you really want to have? What are you most passionate about? Is God directing your life? When you look for someone else to share your life with, find out what their direction is too. Are they on fire for God? If it’s a guy, is he going to lead your family and make decisions that will keep the peace and be right in God’s eyes to the best of his ability? If it’s a girl, is she working on being that Proverbs 31 woman (diligent, also a peacekeeper, and trustworthy)? The reason I say direction is because none of us have arrived, but we’re all moving toward something. When I first met Smister, we both wanted to be missionaries. That changed as God gave us new desires, but the desire to serve Him and help people remained. And sticking to God in the hard times has been the only glue we’ve had many times. Your direction now will impact your future. Make sure your paths at least coordinate or you will grow apart.
I also was able to collect many biblically-based books on relationships (dating, friendship, and marriage) before getting married, which helped so much. It was easy because I was buying them for counseling classes anyway, haha! Contact me if you need a recommendation. One of my favorites, which I read multiple times, was Marriage Matters by Winston T. Smith.
Above all else, no matter how much we plan, only God knows exactly what we need for our desires to be met, for Him to receive the glory He deserves, and for us to grow as much as we need at that point. So trust Him. Trust Him with everything. Let Him know what you would like, but trust His judgment in however He answers. And don’t try to rush His timing, haha, I had to learn that many times. He is so good! He is love, after all!
I will speak more specifically about what I learned about marriage during these times of study in future posts. 🙂
