Most of us are familiar with depression, or despair. I have felt it a number of times this year since my husband passed away. Everyone has to figure out where their despair comes from – mine comes from self-pity and I have to call it out for what it is. It might seem harsh to myself, but the more I try to justify my negative mindset and sluggishness the less I actually care for and help myself (or others!). I simply sink deeper and deeper into the mud.
My experience will be different than yours. Some of you have been in the pit of despair for many years. Mine has come and gone through the years, and I’ve found a number of things that help me when I feel like it is beginning to take me down. Today I got out of another bout that has been coming slowly over the past few weeks that I only just recognized recently.
First of all, only you can choose to get out. No one can help you until you make your own choice about it. Seeing people trying to help and give you advice can only make you sink deeper. So if you need to, remember that they are there for you and focus on making the decision for yourself. They mean the best and have no idea how to kick start you again. Truth is, you just gotta choose it. You’ll feel a lot less miserable soon.
Second, start doing super simple tasks. Nothing to overwhelm yourself. For me, that means eating more than a mandarin orange the whole day, and drinking a few glasses of water. Maybe a shower if I can manage it. Make it easy. You just need to move and not feel more hopeless. One task from a list of two tasks is better than zero tasks on a list of two tasks. You got this!!! Go back to the basics. I had friends who had me stay with them for two weeks while the depression and grief were the worst, a week or two after everything happened. The first week they worked daily to get to me to start eating. My stomach had shrunk I think, but they made me nibble on things like pieces of cheese, and eventually I worked up to oranges and pancakes. They also encouraged me with fluffy towels and nice shampoo to finally start showering again (I hadn’t yet since everything happened). I didn’t want to, but I made myself, and it brought a tiny bit of relief and accomplishment.
Third, I like to write down the thoughts that I’ve been thinking. I’ll write out a big list, because we all know I like them, of what I’m finding going down in my mind. Then I look at it. The total crap that has been sitting in my mind. The mud that got into my brain. Time to get a hose! If I’m deep I can’t cry, I’ll feel numb as I read those lies because I’ve thought them for so long. It’s time to replace those thoughts.
Lately I’ve thought about how many horrible things are happening in the world right now. People being harmed. It upsets and overwhelms me. But what about the good things happening out there? People being rescued and people paying kindness forward. That also matters. Both matter. Sometimes I get stuck in the lie that only the bad is real. It’s a lie. The good is real and powerful. God created everything good originally. Everything that is broken is simply a broken copy of the real deal.
Work through the crappy thoughts and teach yourself to think about beautiful things again. God is greater than any oppression here on this earth. He is more real than anything in this temporary world.
Fourth, I have to find someone else to invest in than myself. We weren’t meant to just serve ourselves. It’s hard to feel fulfilled if you’re only helping yourself. Bringing joy or comfort or tangible aid to another human will satisfy something deep in your soul that needs to know that you have purpose here. You can spread good. You can start those domino effects by pouring yourself into others. You won’t see any ripple effects if it’s just you.
Fifth, I’ve had to find inspiration. This may seem impossible at first, but there will at least one thing that can still reach you. For me it was fire. I felt some sort of comfort staring into fireplaces for two months. It was alive and I wasn’t and it held some fascination for me. “How could I feel alive like that again?” I would sit and wonder and hope that someday I would have that energy again. Truth is, it’s been 7.5 months and I’m still getting there with the energy. But I am alive again. I am so alive. God sent so much inspiration. He reminded me of beauty.
He sent me visuals that helped me learn to cope with the overwhelming loss. He helped me find ways to understand what happened while gaining hope. I will share some of these visuals in future posts.
I was also helped by music. I started two playlists during the grief and despair. One was called “It’s Okay to Mourn,” which helped me start to cry (it was almost impossible at times to cry unless someone was holding me), but when it became too much and I began to slip into despair again, I would switch over to the other playlist which was called “It’s Okay to Move Forward” which was filled with upbeat songs about hope for the future and trust in God’s plans. I went to sleep listening to them.
One friend also sent me a motivational video, and from there I found Coach Pain on YouTube and began a daily workout after a while of listening to him. Wow!!! By that point it had been about a month and I was actually starting to drink water on my own and everything. I also played videos of people simply reading Scripture about hope while I fell asleep so that every time I woke up, I woke up to the comfort of God’s Words.
So now, less than a year later, I do laundry and clean and make homemade dogfood and organize contra dances and work fulltime at my new home. I do still struggle with making food and eating, but I’m getting there again. Start slow, don’t be afraid and don’t do too much all at once.
You can make it.
