You feel racked with physical pain, a tightening ache wrapping itself uncomfortably around your whole body. Nausea from denial. Either physical or mental tears that threaten to drown you. So many aches everywhere.
And then it dawns on you.
There wasn’t a will.
And how do I plan a funeral when my soul is ripped into fragments?
All the subscriptions, apps, bank accounts, bills… They all have to be tracked down. More than that, they each need information from debit cards, they need passwords you can’t remember because they weren’t your passwords and your brain is still in shock from loss, they need a death certificate, they need social security numbers… they need information you don’t think you can bring yourself to look for!
It’s a horrible, raw kind of stress. I get it. Let’s talk about it though.
My advice to you is, breathe, and write a list of all the passwords and tasks that you can think of as soon as possible. Just write it down. You may not be able to remember much of anything if you wait. Memory will be difficult for a while. But don’t despair, it will come back if you practice remembering. Our brains are able to block out what we don’t want to remember sometimes, but it can also remember what we repeat. Just write down as much of anything you can think of. I wrote tons of lists. I wrote lists of emails he had and the only password I knew of his many. I wrote lists of as many bills I could think of even though I had never paid them, that was his job and mine was groceries. I called and canceled the biggest bills as soon as I could.
Don’t beat yourself up for leaving some accounts undone for a while. Over 7 months later there is still an app that has been taking $25 a month that I have yet to cancel. I also haven’t finished taxes even though a friend helped me with it. I just don’t have all the information and I’ve found that canceling accounts has gotten more overwhelming and difficult as time has gone on. I’ve wanted to remember things less and less. I wanted to live my new life and stop being reminded of the pain constantly. But there will be many milestones, and these tasks need to be completed, not avoided, to help you heal.
Just make a list and have a friend call for you or help you find information.
There will be other milestones that you must not fear. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be broken. Don’t avoid the hard stuff.
Some steps I’ve had to take included speaking and arranging the funeral, taking my late husband’s ashes to the spot where he proposed, going back to our cabin where he took his life, posting pictures of him and our wedding, going through our things to give them to family or sell them, to name a few. Every time I think of something that would be very difficult, I tuck it into my mind to do it when I’m ready. Don’t rush it, but also don’t avoid it. You need to face the pain to work through it and avoid getting stuck and becoming a shell.
My latest hurdle has been going through all of our stuff. The first yardsale I did allowed me to sort what I needed to keep from the boxes I had grabbed from the storage unit. It was so healing. I had to face it, I had to, and I came away with a feeling of relief. It helped so much.
The next big step I think I have before me is to find a video from last Christmas that I’d like to share when the next one comes around. I’ve already made it past the wedding anniversary (last Sunday), and I was actually ready to share pictures and remember with joy and thanksgiving for the day that it was. God is so good!!! Let Him walk you through this storm.
Remember that you don’t have to do it alone. I brought my dad up the mountain to leave ashes with me.
You can do this. One checkmark at a time.
