Today I hit a milestone in my latest healing journey. My last life catastrophe was 6 months ago, and today, instead of thinking about how my heart has been suffering for 6 months, I decided to celebrate the fact that I haven’t had a new crisis in that long! My roommate taught me to think that way once.
I was reflecting on what my life is like now. I don’t think a lot has changed, I’ve always held very tightly to freedom and independence and my unique personality and style, but now I’m starting to actually enjoy all of them again. I think that’s the difference. I’m slowly gaining the ability to enjoy who I am and stop giving other people a show, giving other people the best of myself, making other people laugh and enjoy my company… I don’t mind all that, but now I’m learning to enjoy me without an audience other than God.
Especially since quitting Facebook this year (temporary fast), I have been forced to lose my audience and realize that I never lose God’s loving presence. He’s cried with me (and I cry a lot… whimpering or wailing, there is no in between, y’all), He’s laughed at my jokes (mostly my dance moves and klutzy blunders), and He’s reacted to my best and worst days as the good Father that He is. And today… today I had a moment, a moment every Christian has many times, where I was really hit with the fact that God is all I need.
I’m complete with Him, I’m complete in Him.
I don’t need anybody else to complete me. Just God, the Father. Just His Son, Jesus. Just the Holy Spirit living in me.
I’m complete. I’m not done growing, but I’m provided for. I don’t need anyone else to run to. I don’t need anyone to confide in. I don’t need anyone to amuse. I don’t need anyone else to think I’m lovely or funny or deep or wild. I know it and He knows it.
A lot of people battle with hating their selves. I don’t very often. That just hasn’t been my struggle (and I’ve been very fearful at times over the years that I’m a narcissist just because of that!), because I know myself and I know my worth… until someone disagrees with me. Then I question everything. I’m the kind of person who tries to find the best in everyone, because I find the best in myself (and yes, I do see the bad too, I just don’t make it my focus). So when people don’t see the best in me, I wonder if they’re blind or I’m just lying to myself… and it causes a lot of confusion.
But the truth is, people get it wrong.
Sometimes I switch focus because my emotions get in the way, and all I see is the bad too, everywhere.
We get it wrong. God doesn’t. He knows us, He knows the truth. And reading the Bible (His Words) will help you navigate the truth too.
Learning to just be with God has helped me in every stage of my life. I don’t know why I forget what it’s like and have to start over so often, but I’m glad He forgives and I always find Him waiting for me.
Complete. Complete in Him.
I am not waiting for a soul mate. I am not waiting for the key to my destiny. I’m not waiting for someone to come along and validate me. I’ve been complete since He found me.
